"Green Arrow, can you lose the hat? It's a bit much."One of the biggest problems that I have is my inability to properly maintain my finances. I am absolutely terrible with money. Anytime I get a little bit of coin in my pocket I have to go out and spend it on the most pointless things imaginable. Most people do not have, nor would they ever need, a crownless Panama hat...I own two. Once I bought something called an "egg cuber" because I thought the reason that I hated eggs was because of their oval shape, and perhaps squared-shaped eggs tasted better. Indeed, the square eggs did taste better, but I am now willing to admit this may have been only a placebo effect. But the thing I spend most of my unearned, government check on is comic books. I love comic books. I started reading them when I was a little kid, then the habit waned a bit in high school. I started obsessively reading them again in college once I convinced myself that vaginas were probably not all that great. And my favorite superhero has always been Batman. Just a regular guy who uses his vast fortune to fight crime. Pretty cool. Of course, a man like Bruce Wayne could never exist in real life, even though the world is full of wealthy douche bags who possess the resources the become Batman. This article explains that the process of becoming Batman is not so fantastic, but of course, our world would never accept, never allow, a superhero to exist. For one, most of the rich people in this world are, as I mentioned above, douche bags. Second, a lot of them are ugly as shit and out of shape, and no one wants be rescued by fucking Bill Gates, whose hero persona would be something retarded like The Window, or The Human Circuit. And, let's be honest, most of the people who possess the means of becoming a superhero are Arab; rich oil barons living in posh palaces in Saudi Arabia. These are the guys that could really invest in some great superhero gear: lairs, cars, costumes, gadgets, et cetera. But be honest, if a costumed vigilante just saved you from a horde of enthusiastic rapists, wouldn't you be pretty disappointed if you found out he was Arab...Actually, people in general would be pretty unhappy if they found out the superhero running around saving everyone was a minority. Look at The Avengers or Justice League of America. It's all white people, mutants and aliens. Now, I'm not saying that the mutants and aliens in these superhero teams represent minorities, but they probably do. Sure, there have been black superheroes in the past: Black Panther, Luke Cage (who gets points taken away for being Nicolas Cage's namesake), one of the Green Lanterns, Spawn (who is also kinda iffy, since his face is burned off, so he's really more of a skull than a face...a white skull). But more often than not, your hero is gonna be white, and I think I know why. Deciding to become a superhero, coming up with a moniker and a symbol and an outfit, and saying, "I'm going to go outside in this, and I am going to take myself seriously and I am going to try to stop bad people," is totally batshit crazy, and batshit crazy is exactly what white people do best! There is a reason that most serial killers are white, most participants in the X Games are white, most stuntmen are white, most people eaten or attacked by wild animals are white...because all that shit is, to some degree, nuts, and no one does nuts like a fucking Caucasian. It probably has something to do with the fact that white people have been at the top of the racial totem pole for a very long time, and with that comes a dangerous mix of boredom and arrogance. Minorities in America have enough to worry about as it is, so fuck hiking in the woods and fuck jumping across a goddam roof in a cape. Now, crazy does not discriminate. It passes through every nation and race and religion, white people just have more crazy than other races. Crazy for white people is like sickle-cell to black people or taco farts to the Mexicans. So, yeah, there are some black superheroes and there are Latino superheroes and Asian superheroes, but none come close to touching upon the fanatical commitment of white heroes. Another reason why this world could never have a superhero is because asking a being of unlimited power to be a good guy is really just too much to ask. If you had, say, Superman's abilities, would you honestly use it for good? Or would you steal a bunch of money and beat the shit out of people. I mean, I probably would not become a supervillain, killing millions of people and wanting to take over the world, but I would dick with people. However, being the avid comic book fan that I am, I have often wondered what kind of superhero I would be. I definitely would want a cool costume, and although fashionably speaking I am not necessarily drawn to codpieces, I am definitely not going to rule out wearing one. Then there is the whole matter of what powers I would want. Now, quick side note: it is well known that in order to gain superpowers one must expose himself to large amounts of radiation. Yes, you may grow little dicks on your head, but you will also be able to run fast. For me, I have never cared for the power to fly, or superstrength. For me, it would be all about invisibility. That being said, if I did have the power to make myself invisible, I would probably be a villain. Going invisible is essentially wiping yourself off the face of the earth. Like Kevin Bacon said in the sci-fi masterpiece Hollow Man, "You'd be amazed at what you can do when you no longer have to look at yourself in the mirror." You would have no need for morals or ethics. You could pretty much do whatever you wanted. If my superpower was to go invisible I would sit on a bench in a girls locker room somewhere and say, "This is my life now." No saving the world bullshit, just leering...all day...But I would probably die of starvation because I would forget to eat. Anyway, I guess it's just something to think about; that kind of powers would you want to have if you had the choice of becoming a superhero. Really you can't go wrong...except Aquaman...that guy got the fuckin shaft. All the fuckin powers in the universe, and this asshole gets stuck with talking to fish. Superman is pretty much a god, Green Lantern can use his ring to create anything out of thin air, Wonder Woman uses her whip to get people to tell her the truth (little shaky on that one), and fuckin Aquaman has to settle for talking to fish. Why even have a power then? Why even let him into the club!? I cannot think of a single thing that Aquaman brings to the table. What diabolically plan could possibly be thwarted because a goddam fish told Aquaman about it? Unless Al-Queda's headquarters are located under the Arabian Sea, get that guy outta the fuckin group!
The Moore You Know: Lately I have had a lot of Time on my hands (Mallory H. Time is the name of my penis), and I also play a lot of video games. Specifically, I play a lot of Call of Duty: Black Ops. This is a FPS (first person shooter for those with lives), that partially takes place during the Vietnam War, and is also one of the most visually stunning games I have ever played. Remember back in the day how awesome that game Contra was? You and your buddy just going around blasting the shit out enemies...that was fuckin fun. But it's different now. The enemies in Black Ops aren't little multicolored pixels dancing around on the screen. These new enemies have fucking facial expressions, they have artificial intelligence, they have names and human voices, and probably families...little computer families praying for them in some program somewhere. I think kids might start to get PTSD from these games. Can you imagine fat ten-year-olds screaming themselves awake at night, lying a pool of sweat, stammering about what they had to do, "in the shit." Mom comes running in, "It's OK, Billy. It's only a game." And Billy, red-faced and bawling, "A game! A game, you cunt! Tell that to the fuckin gook general I fuckin executed on level 9 today!" Pretty soon we will see thirteen-year-old boys sitting in wheelchairs begging for change outside the drugstore.
© Eric Moore - 2011
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