"Do I look less creepy if I stand like this?" The other night a friend of mine calls me up and asks me to go bar-hopping with him. I look at the clock and decide that it's too late to go out on a work night, but he protests. "Dude," he says emphatically into the phone, "it's going to be awesome!" I roll my eyes and ask, "What will be so awesome about it?" He sighs, laughs coyly, and replies, "Dude, we are going to go to a bunch of bars, we are going to drink a lot of beers, we are going to get totally fucked up, and we are going to surround ourselves with mad pussy, bro. Mad pussy." "I don't think so," I tell him. "Dude, bro, dude...mad pussy, though." I hang up the phone without saying another word to him. Now, normally I would not be adverse to going out with a friend and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. In all honesty, I love to drink, and thoroughly enjoy going to different bars around town. You see, I come from a large family of drinkers, so imbibing the sweet gifts of Dionysus (Wikipedia it) comes naturally to me. Some have suggested that alcoholism runs in my family, but on contrary, it certainly does not run. In my family, alcoholism stays and parties with you. It drinks all your beer, bums your smokes and tells you how hot your sister is. So, it was not my friend's suggestion of getting very drunk that turned me off to his invitation, rather it was his usage of the phrase 'mad pussy.' To hear a vagina being described as angry does little to entice me. His promises of "mad pussy" appealed to me very little. Actually, I'm 25-years-old, and happy pussy still makes me a bit uncomfortable. Content pussy can even unnerve me for a moment. So, my friend, do not threaten to relegate me to being amidst a plethora of lupine pantie hamsters against my will. You, sir, did not promote the evening well enough. If you wanted to get me to come out, of course promise me loads and loads of booze, but don't be so crude when it comes to girls. I don't want mad pussy. You know what? Soft-spoken pussy might be OK. Or better yet, Jane Austen-enjoying pussy. Even better. I also love how we have forgone referring to people by genders when trying to hook up at a bar, and have instead gone right for the genitals. You don't really hear, "I hope I meet a girl tonight." Or, "I hope I meet a guy." No, no. Instead it's, "I hope I get some pussy." And, "I just want some dick." I want some pussy tonight. You hear guys say that a lot. All I want is pussy. Just those three or four magical inches. Technically, a guy isn't asking for a lot, considering an average girl's BMI; pussy is a relatively short order. Just give me some pussy. Leave the head and the arms and the legs and the hair and the bewbs and the name and the voice and the ideas and the opinions at the bar. I just want the pussy. If only we could detach the pussy from the girl like a coffee pot and just carry the pussy home with us, then bring it back once we're done. Wouldn't that be something?If you're really lucky you will get the pussy (or dick) back to your place. And after a little beating around the bush (pun intended) it is time for the naked. When a girl takes her underwear off for a guy for the very first time, it's good, but he is usually not going to be flabbergasted by anything. I mean, all vaginae (plural for vagina) pretty much look the same. You will be hard pressed to find a guy who says, "What the hell is that?" when he lays eyes on your sweet hot pocket. Seriously, I could probably sketch out any girl's duchess and it would probably be a pretty accurate representation. You would at least answer correctly if we were on a Pictionary team. Anyway, when a female girl disrobes, and gets ready to show off the goods, a guy isn't prepping like there's going to be a map to the lost city of Atlantis down there. He's thinking two (2) things: 1. What is the pube situation going to be like? And 2. I hope the beef curtains don't hang down too low. That's all. Shaved or unshaven? And, please God don't let this girl look like she just got done sitting on a fire hydrant. Men are simple like that. Now, for you ladies out there, it is a lot different when it comes to seeing a man's thingy-ma-bob for the first time. Women have a lot more to lose. It is easier for a man to let down a woman. You see, with schlongs, women have to wonder about length, girth, straight or bendy, what's the pube situation, what will the balls be doing, circumcised or uncircumcised. Have you seen an uncircumcised penis? It's like a snake in the middle of shedding it's skin. It's gross. Women have so much more to think about. That's why a man should feel proud when a woman takes him to bed. It means you passed the physical. Now, on the other hand, women, don't feel to proud when a man invites you into his bed. You showed up...that was the test...you passed.
The Moore You Know: These days it's kinda hard being a Catholic. All of these sex abuse scandals filling up the newspapers can really make one question his faith. Now they say the Pope had a hand in covering up a lot of the allegations. I'm afraid to tell people I'm a Catholic now. Whenever people find out they say, "Fucking pedophile." "Pervert!" It's horrible. I've decided to become a Muslim. It's less controversial.
© Eric Moore - 2010
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