Weed Whacker

Warning: Not An Accurate Portrayal of a Marijuana User

In high school I was voted Most Likely To Be Randomly Drug Tested. I had a large "wacky tobacky" poster proudly displayed on my bedroom wall. And, if I am being completely honest, I have even tried a marijuana cigarette or two. But in actuality, I am not a big proponent of marijuana usage. I do not actively seek the stuff, nor do I really hang out with people that do. I personally have nothing against marijuana, or any other plant for that matter (except prairie sagewort. That motherfucker is dead to me). And I have nothing against anyone who uses marijuana recreationally or professionally. To each his own, that's my motto. But I am against the legalization of cannabis, and for more than a few reasons, too. First of all, does weed really need to be legalized? I mean, REALLY need to be legalized. Have you ever heard of anyone not being able to find weed when they need it? I bought a dime bag off a guy in line for confession at my church. If you can't find someone to sell you weed, then you smoke entirely too much weed and you need to quit. But Eric, weed would be so much cheaper if it was legalized? Money has never, ever, been an issue to people who smoke weed on a regular basis. Anything could be sold cheap, technically, but no one who has ever wanted to buy weed said, "Actually dude, that's too expensive...I'm just gonna go home." Fuck that! It doesn't matter how much the shit costs, you'll still buy it. And think about this: if you are someone who smokes weed on a regular basis, then you probably have smoking rituals, certain people you only smoke with, favorite pieces of paraphernalia, et cetera. But if marijuana is legalized, then you have to deal with all these assholes who just started smoking and act like they've been doing it for years, and you have to listen to them talk like they are experts at the best weed to smoke and they probably went out and bought all these expensive pipes and bongs just to look cool. It's kinda like if you have ever had a favorite indie band. You go to all their shows, and you meet them because the venues are small and you can get real close to the stage, and they stay and drink after the show and take pictures with you. You feel like they are your band, and anyone else who knows them immediately becomes your best friend. But then they release their fifth album, and it has a shitty name like The Long Road Home, and they change their sound and got a single on the radio, now everyone loves them, and they start playing bigger shows and don't come back to your little hole-in-the-wall bar, and you have to listen to these douchebags say things like, "I don't like their early stuff, it was too heavy for me." Now all of a sudden, all these dipshits are fucking experts, and you're forced to hate your band, because now they are sell out tools. Well, that's what legalizing weed will be like. Think of that idiot at work that you can't fucking stand. The guy that drives you crazy so much that the reason you smoke weed is just to deal with him. Now, imagine he becomes your dealer. As I said already up there, I have dabbled in marijuana. I smoked it for the first time in eighth grade and I did it off an on throughout high school. I know how I act when I'm stoned, and I don't want more assholes in the world like High Eric. While stoned, I have done everything from take a leisurely stroll around the mall, been convinced that my hands were frozen to my buddy's bedroom door, and honestly believed that the Omaha skyline was actually an army of robots come to destroy me. I have laughed my ass off while high, puked my guts up, passed out en route to my Grandma's house, played in a JV football game...I don't want to be surrounded by people who are like that. Traffic is bad enough. Plus, do you know how much I have desecrated my childhood by doing things I used to love to do when I was younger, but doing them while high when I was older? Forget all the cliche stoner things like watching Willy Wonka or listening to Dark Side of the Moon. Have you ever read a Dr. Seuss book while high? It's fucked up! The Lorax isn't some furry woodland creature out to save the trees, he's a goddamn devil sent straight from the nightmares of HP Lovecraft. This is true: once, while smoking the reefer, I was flipping through a Where's Waldo book. I remember it was a crowded beach scene, and after several frustrating moments of not being able to find the striped explorer I actually said aloud, "I wish all these people would get the fuck outta the way." And fucking Sesame Street. That's like Dante's Inferno type shit. Oh yeah, Eric? Well, marijuana is safer than cigarettes and alcohol! Yeah? No-fucking-shit, asshole. A lot of things are safer than cigarettes and alcohol. Getting stabbed in the goddamn aorta is safer than cigarettes and alcohol. But if everything that was safer than smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol was made legal then everyone would be out boosting cars and raping children. But this rant is probably all for not. I'm sure marijuana will be made legal soon enough. What else that is illegal is so blatantly done by so many people? I can't think of anything. Well..maybe sodomy. There were laws against ass-fucking in this country, but so many people loved doing it that they were all overturned. If people enjoyed smoking weed as much as they love taking it up the ass, then marijuana would have been legal decades ago!

The Moore You Know: The other night I was playing the game Would You Rather...with my old man. I drew a card from the deck that read, "Would you rather have hair covering your entire body OR no hair on your entire body?" But, just to fuck with my dad, what I told him was, "Would you rather have a son that is gay OR a daughter dating a black man?" My dad leaned back in his chair and said, "Wow! They do not make this easy do they. Ahhh...bop, bop bop...ahhhh....dadada....Can I pick which black guy my daughter dates? Cuz she can date Denzel." "No, dad, you can't pick." "OK...huh...huh huh huh...what to do, what to do. Is the son like so gay there's no way around it? Super effeminate gay. Or a manly gay like Rock Hudson?" It was pure torture for the old man. I was positive that if my dad had his choice between two realities, one where a son says, "Dad, I'm gay." or a daughter who says, "Dad, this is Jamal, and we're in love." he would create Option C, insert a loaded 9mm into his mouth and pull the fuckin trigger. Just a story bout my old man.

© Eric Moore - 2010