History 101: A Brief Selection on an Assumtive History of Italy

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST DEPICTS A FRANK AND GRAPHIC DISCUSSION OF ORAL SEX. THOSE EASILY OFFENDED OR WITH ANY SENSE OF DECENCY SHOULD EXIT NOW.

Italy invented the blowjob. I'm sure I read that in something prestigious. Fellatio does sound like an Italian word. An Italian name actually. "Egad! That damned Fellatio cobbled the wrong pair of shoes!" It goes back to the Romans really, when young squires would have to fellate their masters before a battle in order to release tension [citation needed]. So the oral sex act has been around for a few millenia, but it was the Italians who turned it into an alternative to copulation, or as a lead in to coitus. Basically, Italy turned the blowjob from being the business side of a mullet, to being the party side of a mullet. But this "invention," if you will, was not thought up by some ignorant commoner, I'm sure. An Italian peasant would have been wont to follow the social norms of the time, afraid to veer into unknown and possibly heretical waters. No, my friends, the modern blowjob had to have been invented by a man of letters, a scholar, a member of the elite, an academic. A free-fucking-thinker. Most likely, it came about as a result of the Italian Renaissance, when the magnificent Lorenzo de' Medici commissioned many works of the aesthetic nature, i.e. sculptures and paintings. Picture now, in your mind's eye, the esteemed intellectual and artist Leonardo da Vinci, sitting in his study late at night. The only light is cast by a dim candle burning atop an old desk. About the room are any number of sketches and letters and notes. The genius himself is hunched over a diary, scribbling furiously, when suddenly, he looks up. His eyes glisten with deep thought. He turns slowly to his assistant who sits close by, ready at a moment's notice to do the master's bidding.
"Vincenzo," the great Leonardo says in a grave and wise voice, "what if, instead of having normal penis-in-vagina intercourse all the time, every once in a while you just throw your dong in the chick's mouth?"
Vincenzo, the lowly young servant, stares at his master inquisitively. "I'm sorry, sir. How do you mean?"
The master turns to face his apprentice. "OK, so, you know how like everybody just has normal, man-on-top sex these days."
"Of course, sir. The Church would have it no other way."
"Right, but, here's the thing, what if like a dude just slapped his weiner into his wife's mouth instead."
Vincenzo's confusion is only exacerbated by Leonardo's explanation. "Put your penis into the woman's mouth? To what end, sir?"
"To get off!"
"But that is the nature of sexual congress. It should be the physical representation of a man and woman's love for one another, as well as satisfying the Lord's will that we procreate and spread his Word."
The great thinker wipes his brow in frustration. "Look, I get what sex is, all right. I've been slinging dong before you were even a tickle in your daddy's calzone. What I'm saying is, what if we added something to it."
"Added something to it?"
"Like, you got to leave for work in a half hour, and your boss has been a real dick lately, and you got all this stress. Have your wife just nestle up to your ol paintbrush, and give her your own depiction of the Last Supper. You know what I mean?"
Vincenzo is appalled. "Master, no. That sounds like blasphemy to me. The lips of a wife are the lips that kiss her children goodnight. Her tongue is the tongue that tastes the food she eats. Her-"
"Yeah, I'll give her a meal to taste, am I right, Vinny!"
"Sir, no. I'm sorry sir, but I cannot go along with this. I have been your faithful and humble servant for years, but I fear that your talk of...mouth sex will be your downfall."
Vincenzo, dismayed but proud, leaves his post by his master's side and walks to the door. "It has been my honor to serve you, Master. But I must go."
"Send up the servant girl, Appollonia, on your way out. I'm going to have her examine my Vitruvian Man. BOOM!"
This conversation actually took place [citation needed]. So, I just want to say thank you, Italy, for your contribution to the world. Even though you gave the world a homicidal dictator and New Jersey, all can be forgiven, because you gave the world knob slobbering. However, like most inventions, fellatio was perfected in America in 1972 when Linda Lovelace introduced the world to deep throating. God bless the USA! And God bless women with no gag reflex!

The Moore You Know: Yesterday my friend Paul asked me, "Eric, if you could meet any person, living or dead, who would it be?" I pondered the question a moment and replied, "Probably, Stephen King. I'm a big fan of his and would relish an opportunity to talk about his work with him. What about you?" Without a moment's hesitation, Paul said, "Albert Einstein, possibly the most brilliant man who ever lived." I looked at Paul a bit dumbfounded. Finally I told him, "Dude, you still say the word libary, what the fuck would you talk to Einstein about?" Douche.

© Eric Moore - 2010