I Am Not A Sex Offender: A Warrantless Plea

I recently moved into a new neighborhood, and just for the sake of curiosity I went to a Web site called Megan's Law (side note: I don't know who said 'Megan' is, but odds are if you have a law named after you, some bad shit went down. It's not like having a street named after you, I'm sure). Anyway, Megan's Law revolves partially around the idea that sex offenders must register and a person must be notified if a sex offender is moving into one's community. So I click on a link on the site, and a map pops up. By typing in my address, the map will display where, if any, sex offenders are located. So I type in my address and BAM! My screen explodes in a burst of red X's that pinpoint all the places where a registered sex offender lives in my neighborhood. Jesus Christ, there were so many X's my screen looked like a goddam treasure map, but the gold was buried one piece at a time. Do you remember that scene in Arachnophobia where John Goodman, Jeff Daniels and the scientist are standing around a truck looking at a map of the town and circling where all the spider bites occured? The scientist asks, "What's the building in the middle? The church?" "No," Jeff Daniels replies, "that's my house." Well, this is my house, and it is surrounded by sex offenders. Looking at my computer makes me feel like I'm losing at a game of Risk. Once the pedophiles take South America I get a finger up my ass. Christ Almighty. Seriously, I have so many fucking perverts in my neighborhood that I'm the one that has to go door-to-door to tell people I'm not another pedophile moving in. And then, not two days after I move in, CNN does a story about communities across the nation forcing sex offenders out. Here's the problem: prison's are becoming increasingly overpopulated, so the less dangerous, or the liabilities are let out early. See, prison's hate housing sex offenders because they get the shit kicked out of them all the time in jail, or killed. It's too much damn paperwork to house a sex offender, so they usually get paroled pretty easily. Anyway, a lot of communities in America are saying FUCK NO to allowing sex offenders to move in. So, when one gets paroled he has nowhere to go. So what does the state say? Put them in the woods! That's right, pedophiles are living en masse in the woods all across America! Jesus Christ, as if the woods weren't scary enough at night! Now you have to worry about a goddam child molester coming at you (pun intended). And do you know who I feel the most sorry for? The Boy Scouts of America. Do realize how much shit they have to do in the woods? Half of their fucking merit badges require them to be in the woods! I used to be in the Boy Scouts, and I can remember the good ol days when a scout only had to be molested by his troop leader. Nowadays, they're throwing these kids at the pedophiles. OK, so here's even scarier news: not only are pedophiles living the woods in little pervert Whovilles, they are actually starting to self govern! It's true. The CNN report also showed that the pedophiles have elected spokesmen, and jobs are split up around camp to see who needs to do what to keep the camp clean. Jesus Christ, they are organizing. It's like in Terminator 3 when SKYNET finally became self-aware. And here's the kicker, the pedophiles are banishing people! That's right. Those sex offenders that are deemed too creepy, or their crimes too molester-y, are being exiled by the more ethical perverts. So some of these fuckers, the worst one's in fact, are forced to leave the camps. They set up little shanties under bridges. Christ, I bet that's an awkward conversation to have between two kiddie fiddlers. "Hey, Bill." "Yeah, Jerry." "Listen, Bill, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the rest of us got together and thought it best if you leave camp." "But why, Jerry?" "Well, Bill, you kinda freak the rest of us out." "Are you kidding me!? I freak YOU out? Jerry, you were arrested for being knuckle deep in a seven-year-old, and I'm the one people don't like!" So Bill leaves to go live under a fucking bridge. But it might not be all that bad. Now, hypothetically, if I was a convicted sex offender, exiled into living under a bridge, I would probably make the most of it. Like, whenever a little kid tried to cross the bridge, I would jump out and force the kid to answer three riddles in order to cross. And if he got a riddle wrong I would just molest the shit out of him! Calm down, people. I'm kidding! I would molest him regardless of his answers to the riddles.

The Moore You Know: I used to work at Geico, and one day a policyholder called in complaining that Geico is racist. When I asked why, he said, "Because those cavemen commercials are just caricatures of African Americans!" I politely replied, "Sir, I'm not sure why you are upset. Those cavemen are being portrayed as being wealthy, sophisticated, affluent and well educated. They're clearly white people."

©Eric Moore - 2010