I Am Going To Start A Cult

The Jonestown Massacre took place during the most fucked up game of Simon Says ever recorded [citation needed].

I am going to start a cult. I feel that it's the only way I'm going to get the goddamn respect I deserve. But Eric, you don't know the first thing about starting a cult! Bullshit. If you believe in God and have a healthy relationship with hallucinogens, then you are already halfway to starting a cult. Take the king of the modern cult, Jim Jones. Mr. Jones was an Indiana preacher by day and an acclaimed Elvis impersonator [citation needed] by night. As the founder of the People's Temple, Jim Jones integrated his followers under the banner of peace and love and freedom from what he believed was American persecution. You know, I haven't finished reading my biography on Jim Jones at the time of this writing, but the way things are going so far, I'm sure everyone is going to end up juuust peachy. Another famous cult leader was the Waco Kid, David Koresh. He believed he was the final prophet of the Branch Davidians, and ended up going out in a blaze of glory, Bon Jovi-style, when a massive firefight broke out between his followers and the FBI. A more recent cult leader that stole the headlines would be Marshall Applewhite, AKA "Do." This sumbitch was the leader of the Heaven's Gate religious sect. In 1997, Applewhite and 38 other members of his little Apple Dumpling Gang committed suicide because they believed a spaceship traveling in the tail of the Hale-Bopp comet would "take their souls to another 'level of existence above human', which Applewhite described as being both physical and spiritual. This and other UFO-related beliefs held by the group have led some observers to characterize the group as a type of UFO religion. On Oct 10th 1996, the group purchased Alien abduction insurance to cover up to 50 members at a cost of $10,000 [Wikipedia]." Jee-zuz Christ. I think somewhere Tom Cruise just got an erection. Speaking of Mr. Cruise, some argue that Scientology is a cult. In fact, the German government recognizes Scientology as a cult. And when was the last time the Krauts were wary of any kind of massive organization of people sharing one common belief? Scientology's founder, the shitty sci-fi author L. Ron Hubbard, even stated in an interview once that if a person wanted to get rich, all he or she had to do was found a religion, i.e. cult. So, with the weight of these notorious swindlers' legacies on my back, I have decided that I am going to start my own cult. Here we go. Attire. I want everyone to dress like the Strangers from that movie Dark City starring Jack Bauer and that dude who played the bad guy in A Knight's Tale. The Strangers (for those people with actual lives who have not seen the movie) wear long black trench coats with fur trim and black fedoras and gloves. Sweeeet. They can also put people to sleep with a wave of a hand, but that power will come to my followers in time. Next, I guess I have to proclaim that I am indeed a prophet. I AM A PROPHET! OK, check. Oh, and we should be a religious cult. Nothing riles up the masses like some good ole Jesus talk. Now, we have to believe in some fucked up lunacy regarding Jesus. Hmmm....Jim Jones did the whole Utopia thing with Jonestown. Koresh had the Book of Revelations going for him. Heaven's Gate was all about outer space. I got it! Let's combine the best of all worlds! OK, here's what we believe in-our manifesto: Jesus is going to return one day, but not to Earth. He is too upset at how secular Mankind has become, so He decides to reappear on the planet Saturn. Now, since I am His prophet, Jesus has told me-and only me-how we (my slaves followers and I) are to meet Him on Saturn. OK, now the means to our celestial transcendence has to be somewhat logically sound, but paradoxically batshit crazy. The fuckin French! The Frogs have a saying: le petit morte, or 'the little death.' It's a phrase to describe the lightheaded feeling a man gets upon ejaculation (Eric is mentioning male ejaculate on his blog? Yeah, and I got me 16 followers, Bitch!). In medieval times, people believed that whenever a man reached orgasm, he died a little. So, my cult will believe that the only way a man can reach Saturn is by jerking off (or having sex. Every time I think about orgasm I immediately think it can only be achieved single-handily) enough times until his corporal body dies, and his spiritual form can float safely to Saturn. This explanation will also give the cult that freaky fuckfest free-for-all vibe that it's been missing. But folks, we run across a problem. The souls of men can reach Saturn by having multiple prolonged orgasms, but what about the women? As it is a well-documented fact that there is no such thing as a female orgasm, I am going to have to think of something else for the weaker sex. Hmmmm....I got it! Menstruation! The way women get to Saturn is through their menstruation! I know Mars is the original Red Planet, but too fuckin bad for Mars. We're going to Saturn. OK, ladies, if you wish to leave your physical bodies behind and join us men up in Saturn for our Jesus Party, then you have to have your periods, and you need to have them long and you need to have them heavy. The Chinese philosopher Confucius once said, "I don't trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die [citation needed]," but we are going to trust you, ladies. We are going to trust you to do the right thing and bleed baby bleed. Once you have bled to death, your spiritual form will join its male counterpart in the gaseous mass of Saturn. Once our ascension is complete, we will all mingle with Jesus for a while, and then watch as He mercilessly destroys the heathens of Earth. Then, using our new Saturn powers, we will build a city on the 9 rings of Saturn. The first ring will consist of all of our houses, which will be mansions, and my mansion will be the biggest, as I am the Prophet. The second ring will be garages to house our cars, which, strangely, will not be Saturns, but Nissans, as I currently drive one and like the gas mileage. The third ring of Saturn will be our jobs. Most of you will have to work in customer service or outside sales, but I will be eternal supervisor. Rings four through seven will be used for our consumer necessities. We will build Home Depots and Best Buys and Starbucks and Netflix shipping centers. Ring eight will be for all the churches that Saturn Jesus will have us build in His honor. The ninth and final ring will be set aside for future use. I just don't think that right now we should fill up all the rings. Let's save the last ring until we are absolutely sure we know what we want, OK. Finally, we need a name. Saturn is classified as a gas giant. Jesus will be there. OK. Hitherto, we will be known as the Brotherhood of the Gassy Jesus. By reading this post you have willfully and knowingly agreed to become a member of the Brotherhood of the Gassy Jesus. If you are a man, start coming! If you are a lady, commence blood flow! By order of the Prophet! Also, as a Catholic, I'm pretty sure by writing this I committed a slight form of heresy, so let's keep this whole cult thing just between me and you.

The Moore You Know: Halloween is my favorite holiday, but I have to admit, I find the costumes for women a bit offensive. I mean, all I see is Slutty Nurse or Slutty Secretary. It's gross and detrimental to the women's movement. Come on people, let's finally see some Slutty Doctors and Slutty CEOs out there!

© Eric Moore - 2010