I Am A Dumb And Drunken Nazi

William the Conqueror successfully invaded England, armed only with a majestic stache

For today's post I want to talk about heritage. The title of this entry is a jocular reference to my own mixed lineage. I am part Pollock (a notoriously dumb people), part Irish (a notoriously drunk people) and part German (a notoriously Nazi people). Of course, those labels are really nothing more than ethnic barbs designed to satirize entire groups of diverse European cultures. I was merely having a bit of fun with stereotypes. I'm not actually dumb. I'm not actually drunken. Anyway, I recently found out that my ancestors can be traced all the way back to William the Conqueror, the first king of England, who ruled the country from 1066 to 1087. Man, that was like a billion years ago! And how is one bestowed with a title as bad-fucking-ass as The Conqueror? Oh, it don't take much, just the complete taking over of an entire goddamn sovereign nation. You see, folks, when Edward the Confessor (what a pussy name) of England died, he had no heir to his throne. William was one of the main contenders, as he was loosely related to Edward. However, an archbishop decided to give the throne of England to someone who wasn't nicknamed The Conqueror (big fucking mistake). This didn't sit well with Billy the Kid, who decided, "Oh hell, I'll just crown myself King of England," and proceeded to kick the living shit out of anything with a British accent. What a great story. And to think that I am one of this man's ancestors. But, I have to admit, living in 2010, the ancestral butter has been spread quite thin. William the Conqueror would shit his coffin if he could see how diluted his family line has become. That gene pool has been pissed in way too many times. Here's a guy who invades a nation, set himself up as its ruler, puts down all subsequent revolts against him, revolutionizes the English government, brought lasting changes to the English language, helped build England into a global superpower whose reign lasted until America won the Revolutionary War nearly 700 years later, and changed the entire course of the English monarchy. And me? Well, I like to spin my dick like a helicopter when I get out of the shower. And what a cool name: The Conqueror. They all had cool names back in the day like William the Conqueror or Alexander the Great or Erik the Red (the manliest ginger ever made, and yes, the carpet matched the drapes). But I'm glad society doesn't attach those labels anymore, because I would probably be something like Eric the Sweaty or Eric the Awkward Runner or Eric the Sexually Incompetent. Oh, and I'm also related to a real Polish gangster. No shit, man. My maternal great-grandfather emigrated to America because the Polish government had a warrant out for his arrest. What was his crime? Bootlegging alcohol! My great-grandfather was illegally transporting hooch before anyone in the world had ever heard of Al fucking Capone. There's also ostrich feathers, too. My great-grandfather also had Polish authorities after him because along with bootlegging booze, he was also illegally selling ostrich feathers, which apparently in Poland are like goddamn blood diamonds. So that's just a little bit of my family history that I wanted to share. Oh! And to all my readers out there who were born out of wedlock, before he attained the title of Conqueror, he was known as William the Bastard. So, you know, there's hope for you illegitimate assholes yet.

The Moore You Know: When I was a little boy, my brother and I would walk down to the local drugstore and poke holes through boxes of condoms with a sewing needle. When I think of all the abortions I might be responsible for, I can't help but smile!

© Eric Moore - 2010