Now Playing: You Suck

I think that one of the most depressing scenarios in life is going to a movie alone, especially if it is opening day and the theater is crowded. You buy a ticket, saying pathetically, "Can I get a ticket for one..." That line, for one, God, it's so sad. You then walk to the concessions and get your pop and a snack to essentially eat your feelings for two hours. Going into the dim theater, row upon row of unfamiliar faces gaze down at you, almost accusingly. "Why is this asshole here by himself," a guy might ask his girlfriend. You trudge pathetically up the stairs, looking down at the little lights on the steps asking Christ Almightly please don't let me trip. You find a seat, somewhere high up, on the very edge, and you sit, organize your snacks, and try to become as inconspicuous as possible in the darkness. Or, you might fake it. You play with your cell phone, then put it to your ear. "Hello," you say into the phone, but talking to no one. Just a phantom friend. "I got the tickets, man. Where are you at? What do you mean you're not coming? But I bought seven tickets for all of us! So, I have to sit hear all alone now? Come on, dude." Hang up the phone. Now, you think maybe people overheard the fake conversation you just had, and they may think, "Oh, his friends can't come. He has friends, they just can't come to the movie." When you go to the movies alone people automatically feel sorry for you. Families and lovers alike say to each other, "Look at that sad bastard. The poor sonuvabitch couldn't find even one person, one fucking person, to go to the movies with him. No one wanted to sit next to this man for 90 minutes. Jesus Christ. It's not like they had to talk to the guy; just sit next to him. And it's dark in here! Not wanting to be seen with the man is no excuse! I can't believe in this day and age of social networking that this sad fuck cannot coerce a single human being into sitting next to him for an hour and a half, and be pleasantly distracted. Hell, I bet the guy would have even bought the other person's ticket! The only reasonable conclusion that I can draw from this is that this lonely man must be a horrible person in general. Just an all-around repelling doucher. Fuck him. I wish he would just leave. Doesn't he know that he's making a fool out of himself? I want to rip his fucking eyeballs out and shit-Wait, the previews are on." That is what it is like to go to the movies alone. If a movie comes out, and you can't get anyone to see it with you, for God's sake, just wait for the DVD. Or the Blu-Ray if you're a pretentious asshole.

The Moore You Know: If I ever became homeless, and I had to start begging for change, I would sit in front of a Coinstar machine. Now, the flipside is, if I was taking change to a Coinstar machine, and there was a bum sitting in front of it begging for change, I would casually, but politely tell him that I didn't have any change. Then, I would proceed to cash in $200 in quarters, and afterwards I would tell the bum to go fuck himself.

© Eric Moore - 2010